Choice

Eve believed the devil.  He tempted her and convinced her that if she ate from the tree ...she would have the knowledge and wisdom of God Himself.  Satan was very convincing ...and I'm sure velvety in his words ...seemingly kind ...only stating the obvious truth.  She bit the apple, shared it with her beloved, Adam ...and both became horrifically aware of their nakedness.  Adam and Eve made a choice ...to believe they could be like God.  Sounds like teenagers ...often believing they have more wisdom than all the adults before them.  But it was far more drastic than being a teenager, far mor devastating for all of mankind.  Their choice separated them from God ...they chose to step apart from Him.  Eve shared her sin ...and Adam accepted and followed.  They took all of us with them in that choice.  So now, we live in a fallen world. 
Often, the thought I could have been wiser than God, known better than Him ...found another way for Phoebe, sneaks in ...not in an obvious way, but cunningly and I find myself giving way to doubt, losing trust.  I know its natural to question, to grope for the answers and make sense out of something that lacks any sense at all.  I'm talking about something else, a boldness ...a cockiness that I can use my own intellect to out think God.  It starts in little ways ...just pushing aside the little things ...daily prayer, grace at meals ...what's the big deal really.  It grows though, and as it does the example gains power and persuasion.  When I could be simple and humble, I choose to be worldly wise.  I step away without even knowing.  Should I question God ...I can't help it ...that is natural for any of us who suffer something so radical.  It's when I INDULGE the questioning and let it continue rather than pray for patience, obedience ...silence.  When I forget to ask for His grace to empty me of ME and fill me with HIM ...I choose to step away ...I choose the apple ...I listen to the lie ....and begin to believe that I can be as wise as my Creator. 
The sin of Adam is written  on my heart, I bear the weight of leaning towards sin ...away from God.  I bear the weight of Phoebe's suicide ...an outrageous burden that pulls downward.  Beyond the law of gravity is the promise of salvation.  I have a choice ...I can be dragged down with my tears and sorrow, detesting the One who allowed her parting.  Or I can be purified and cleansed with the tears of trust and the solid wood of the Cross, without expecting answers and understanding.  These choices are very obvious to me ...and each day, sometimes many, many times throughout the day, I must choose.  I choose the Cross.  I choose to trust the Man who hung on that Cross ...seemingly defeated ...only to raise up on the third day.  It is not always an easy choice ...and for me, it is not an emotional choice ...it is simply a deliberate decision to trust, regardless of how I feel.  I am not extraordinary in any way.  In fact, I am quite ordinary ...with many faults the people around me are burdened with.  But I believe ...with all my heart, I believe that God loves me ...and loves Phoebe in an extraordinary way ...because I choose to.  If I choose to take a bite from the apple, I lose sight of His great love ...the greatest of all.  I don't want to lose sight.  I want my vision clear ...always.

Litany of Humility

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...
That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…


Read more: http://www.ewtn.com/devotionals/prayers/humility.htm#ixzz1HZLxqHLC

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace.  Amen.