Calvary

Today begins the long walk to the hill where Christ was crucified.  It is never a walk I like ...but there is a part of me that loves this painful journey.  It works my soul, calls me to give it all over to Him and shoulder a tiny piece of the burden of that cross.  There is no way I am worthy enough to help Him ...yet, He beckons me ...even the unworthy, the sinners ...me.
Accepting Christ's love for Phoebe to be greater than my own has been a struggle for my heart ...not so much my head, just that emotion keeper that beats tears in my chest.  But Christ does love Phoebe more than I ever could ...and He has her now ...she has Him.
The other morning I was talking with Owen, my seven year old, about Lent.  Always those jokes "I'll give up going to school, making my bed, eating vegetables," but then the real questions.  I love seven.  Still so open, he really considered Christ dying for Phoebe ...thought of Christ's pain and suffering in the garden, taking all that pain on for all of us ...the pain of sin, sorrow, loss.  Christ felt ALL of it at once.  Imagine.  The pain I felt for so long ....I thought it would kill me ...really deplete all the life out of me ...cause a heart attack ...anything.  And I am one person with one sorrow.  Christ took everyone's on ....still does.  For a moment Owen got that.  I watched his eyes as he remembered the day his big sister died ...left him, thought about how hurt he felt, how he cried and cried, begged for one of my nurse friends to fix her, bring her back.  And then he thought about Jesus taking that on for him ....and all the rest of us.  His eyes big .."wow, Jesus is super nice!"  Yes, Owen, Jesus is super nice.
By His grace, I hope to take my place at the foot of the Cross on Good Friday, so I may share in the glory of His Resurrection.
Tonight, gathered at Mass, blessed by the ashes that remind us from where we come ...and where we shall return, we were surrounded by friends.  It was a struggle to get out the door, head to Mass more than thirty minutes away.  I kept quiet about who else might be there ...because I know with the best effort, sometimes we just can't do what we hope to.  Friends made a long journey, far away from the convenience of their local parish ...on a school night, with kids in tow.  My girls, looked around and saw some of their most special friends ...long-time, never will I leave you friends ...lifetime friends.  Here we gathered, children, mothers, dads, young men ...beginning Lent on Phoebe's fifth month anniversary, with the Mass offered for her.  A beautiful Ash Wednesday really.  Always, when I ask God how I will keep her part of me ...He answers in extraordinary ways.  My Lent begins with Phoebe by my side, looping her arm through mine ...walking with me to Calvary.  I am a blessed woman!

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace.  Amen.