Something is returning ...ever so slightly, but it has started to emerge, take its place in my life. I know I will never be the same ...nor do I want to be. God has made me different, chiseled away at my soul, taken from me so that He could give more ....later, but at times, even now. I'm beginning to play again. I've seen glimpses of it recently, but today I responded to a text in broken French. We bantered a bit, trying to outdo each other ...until, I switched to Spanish ...and did an excellent job botching what I was trying to say. I finally returned to English. This was all while I was picking up a gift for one of Owen's friends. He was annoyed I was using my phone until I told him who it was ...then it was fine.
After, I went into a shoe store and tried on a pair of shoes. He kept asking me if we could just go. "Let's just go ...can we please go?" I was there all of five minutes. I tried on one pair. "Owen, how do these look?" The response "Can we just go now?" as he looks at the ceiling, the door. I put my own shoes back on, say nothing. He looks down. "Those look good mom, just buy those, then we can go." "You like these, the ones on my feet right now." "Yeah, I think those are the ones you should buy, they look good ...just buy 'em, then we can go." "Owen, these are the shoes I wore in here." Big laugh ...scrunched up nose ..."Can we pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaase just go?"
My kids always ask me why I never buy anything new for myself. Well?
It really was a simple five to ten minutes of my day where I really just played ...between texting in languages I have no command over ...and delighting in the 'boyness' of my seven year old. In all I've read, it says one day you will notice a shift ...maybe today was the day. You begin to shift away from focusing on the death of your lost child, and allow the vision, the memory of their life to break through. For me, I think its more than that ...it is more than a memory. Every person is a body and a soul. The body dies, but the soul will live on for all eternity. Only part of the person dies ...the physical, the 'grab hold of' part. But the essence of that person remains. Phoebe is with me, I have no doubt. I tell her all the time, I just want to hold her, see her. She knows. God knows. I could play today because I know she would have laughed about Owen and the shoes ...and she would have grabbed my phone to assess the damage done to two foreign languages by her mother. She would have rolled her eyes at me, smirked and told me I shouldn't mess with things I know so little about. But instead, she was already there ...no need to share. Maybe this all sounds delusional ...that's okay. When I tell these things to other parents missing a child ....they get it. Yes, it is their life too with their lost child ...not so lost anymore. Doesn't mean the missing is less, the pain gone ...it just means we find new ways to be with the one's we've loved and lost. And in finding those new ways ...we can once again begin to play ...even if only for five minutes.
Please remember three things in prayer if you would be so kind.
1. Pray for the safe delivery of Kelly's baby (see sidebar) to be born in late March ...and for Kelly's own safety and health. Everything at the moment is fine. She is being closely monitored and under the care of an excellent team.
2. Pray for a mother who has an extraordinary struggle underway and ahead of her with some of her children. This woman's faith has kept me afloat in some of my darkest moments ...Her trust in God stuns me ..and leads me. She needs MUCH grace to persevere ...and she will, but please pray for her.
3. Pray for friends who are dealing with a job loss. That they may find the work necessary to keep things going at home. They are a wonderful family ...and their prayers too, have kept us afloat, along with their joyful friendship, openness and warmth ...which they share with EVERYONE!
I assure you ...all of these people will return the favor of your prayers for them. And I will pray for you too. Thank you! The power of prayer is greater than any force on earth ...I know that ...because my family would not be where we are today without all the praying on our behalf ...Prayer changes and saves lives! Prayers can bring Heaven on Earth.
Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen.
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