Baby days are gone

Today our youngest turned 5!  Our oldest turns 21 at the end of June.  I've been at these baby days for a long, long time.  When you're 4 you sort of straddle babyhood ...but when you're 5 ...there's no question ...no more baby.  It's funny to see the changes that take place around birthdays.  This little girl is spirited as they come.  Sleep is not something she's ever been fond of ...or even needed.  Even as an infant she wouldn't fall asleep when nursed ...who ever heard of that?  Perpetual motion, conversation ...mess making.  On our way to our flight home, she engaged the entire crew from a Southwest Airlines flight as we sat on the shuttle.  Told them everyone's name, age, which parent they looked most like ...told them she and her mom look like twins because we both have curly hair.  Chatted the whole time, giving them details that embarrassed her sisters, but dazzled the crew, waving to them as they got off at their terminal.  I think she gave a spring to their step that day.  I'm sad to see my baby days over ...but I'm tired, and so afraid of losing another that I am also grateful for those tender years I had ...and for the bit of rest this time brings.
Mary Claire is young enough to have that total innocence about her ...and assurance that Phoebe is still with us ...just "inbisible" as she says.  When I cry,even quietly alone, she is the first one there ...rushing to me, hugging me telling me that Phoebe is still here ..."you just can't see her ...she's inbisible.  She's in her room doing her work."  She'll sneak away and come back with a framed picture of her big sister.  Puts right in my face, so I can't even see it and shushes everyone around us.  "Shh,  Mom's sad" she'll say.  She prays for her all the time at night prayer.  She prays for about forty things until someone, exasperated, says "okay, you're all done."  But in those prayers is always "and I pway that Phoebe is having a weally, weally fun time in heaven."  She's the only one who talks about her as if she were still here ...she's such a part of her life.  Still so young that spiritual life is equal to the physical ...a beautiful thing to have around me.
I'm glad for that ...and thankful, because it gives me a finer lens to change my often cloudy view.
So today as we gathered 'round our table to celebrate this big birthday, we did so without our Phoebe.  It was our first birthday without her.  And ...it was okay.  We always remember Phoebe at meals, making her a part of us still.  I didn't choke up, cry, withdraw ...I just focused on the moment and knew that somehow, someway, she was with us ... enjoying her family in a much fuller, robust way than she ever could before.  I was worried about how I would manage this kick-off to birthday season in our house.  We begin in March, another in April, Phoebe's in May, Stephen and Stephen in June, Owen July, and finally Olivia, myself and Hannah in August.  We're pretty tired of cake, ice cream and presents by the time Hannah's rolls around ...poor Hannah!
Our little girl, five years old, sat at the head of the table and thanked us both for her birthday, blowing us kisses, slurping her ice cream.  This little girl who would drop everything and race outside, screaming "Phoebe's home!" whenever she pulled in the driveway ...racing into her arms, asking questions, relaying the day.  She rallies me ...teaches me, and leads me to a brighter day that keeps Phoebe alive with us ...always.
The gift of this little girl, the tender age she is, offers me the hand I need to keep my eyes on Heaven and my heart full of hope and promise ....God's design ...perfect ...eternally perfect.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace. Amen.